I wish I only lived at night.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
