Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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