Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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