Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
