I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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