Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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