She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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