Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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