you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bondingđ
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes âI drove you last nightâ\nâYou got your dick sucked in the back seatâ
Randomize
