Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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