Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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