would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
worst night to have a conscience
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
