you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
