Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Randomize
