Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
