I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
