I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
