I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
