My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize