gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I fill condoms, not promises.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
