Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
