i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
