I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Houston, we have a blender
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize