i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
