you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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