If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
