He uses pillows to masturbate.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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