my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
