I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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