In America we eat man semen.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize