as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
