So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
