I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
