Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize