Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
