WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I need to align my fucking chakras
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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