if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
she told me i tasted like america
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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