u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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