he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
