Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Randomize
