I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
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