Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
