By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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