I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
