now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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