When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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