my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
