I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
