This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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