I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
