it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
