I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
