her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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