I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
