Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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