just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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