I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
