you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
