Don't you send me to vm
I think im going to throw up on grandma
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
