She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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