a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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