So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Let's get the cat blown out
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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