Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
im about as happy as oj after his trial
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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