Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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