I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
