Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
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