So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
