I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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