I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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