the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
